friendship

My thoughts on friendship are complicated.

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time. I only write it now with the disclaimer that everything changes. Everything is impermanent. So, my thoughts now on friendship will not be my thoughts later, and are not the thoughts they used to be.  

I lost a few good friends over the last two years. It's hard. It's hard because a part of me thinks that friendship should last forever. BFFs- best friends forever, right? It's hard because it's like a romantic break up where you're just never supposed to talk to that person again. That person was a huge part of your life and you're supposed to continue in the world like they no longer exist. And it's hard because it causes me to think that none of it is worth it. 

US-American Society feeds us ideas, every day, from birth till death. Ideas about what our skin color means, how our bodies should look, who we should love, and how much money and things we should amass. That's just to name a few. We soak these beliefs in and don't always stop to question them. One such lie I believed is that friends should be friends forever. 

I've mourned these friendships, a few for over a year. I'm sad the friendship is over. I think of her often and wonder if she thinks of me. I also wish her the best, and hope that whatever she wanted that I wasn't able to provide is now provided by someone else. It's still a sadness in my chest but it's a bittersweet sadness. Because I still love her and want what's best for her, and I know that was not me. 

I also know, after a lot of reflection, that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing missing or deficient in my character. Our values just didn't align in certain ways that made continuing our relationship impossible. I'm not a bad person. She's not a bad person. Our friendship was no longer transformative for either of us and so it ended.

It's hard because she's still in the world, but no longer in my orbit. I haven't vowed to never speak to her again. If I see or hear something that brings her to heart and mind, I might consider reaching out. But first I would have to take a lot of time to check in with myself about my motivation for doing so. If she's happy and at peace without me, would this communication disturb that peace, and is that what I want to do? Chances are it would, and I don't. So, I wish her well and move on. 

Losing friends makes me think why even bother with any of it to begin with? Why start a relationship that will end? All relationships end. Will it end in this life or at death is the only question. Why go through the heartache? What do I hope to accomplish?

Community has been an elusive thing for me. We moved around a lot as a kid, and I never felt that I had a solid and supportive community. I had my household family unit of three. Then I started my own family, my brother grew up and started his own family, and my mom moved to a different continent. Community building is a mystery to me. But I'm learning. 

I hope to establish community. That's why I will continue to put myself out there, even when friendships fail. 

My thoughts on friendship are complicated.