friendship pt. 2

 I think American movies really fucked me up. 

Sometimes I think I have a warped sense of friendship. I often say I don't have any friends. That's not entirely accurate. Is it?

I have a lot of friends. What is it I actually want?

This graphic is from Shasta Nelson, founder of Girlfriendcircles.com. The site still exists (just learned that today) but it is a shell of its former self. It used to be a site for women to connect and form friendships with strangers. I met a woman on the site that I was friends with for a few years. We'd regularly meet, once a week, and share what was happening in our lives. When I look at the site now and Shasta's site ShastaNelson.com I just get a bit sad. It was a good idea. It just didn't work. At least not for me. 

I created these activity pages based on the activity in the book We Heal Together by Michelle C Johnson. On page three you can see how I filled out my community web. I was pleasantly surprised at how many groups and people I'm connected with. 

A slight aside- I've always enjoyed the mental image of a web. I remember learning about the food web of the animal kingdom in elementary school and thinking that this made WAY more sense than a food chain. Everything is connected. Yes, that rings true. So, I like the idea of a community web because all humans are connected in community. That rings true for me. Sometimes I hear about atrocities that have happened miles away from me and I weep. Sometimes I feel sorrow and a heaviness in my heart that I can't explain. Sometimes I'm ridiculously happy for no disernable reason. I've learned to just go with these feelings. Maybe they aren't my feelings at all. Maybe I'm feeling the reverberations of my fellow humans on the web. If that's true, the Buddhist idea of merit actually has some . . . merit. We sit to ease the suffering of all of us. Also I've been very human-centric here but we're outnumbered on earth by our non-human relatives. I'm sure we can attune to their pain and pleasure as well. It just takes more sensitivity and practice. Aside complete.

Okay so I have this web filled out of all these people in my life I'm connected to. Now what? Why do I still feel like something is missing? What is it that I actually want? 

I realized that I have a high deductible friendship plan. I have no doubt that people on my web would be there for me if I put on the call that I had cancer or that someone close to me died. I'd get all the outpouring of love and support. And that's a huge comfort. I am not alone in the world. 

But who's there for me when I've had a bad Tuesday? Who can I call just to tell a funny story that happened today? 

I have Dan. He's my best friend. He's there through all my ups and downs, growth and regression. I'm so lucky to have him. (And I mean SO lucky. I'm sure he could do the math with the proper spreadsheet.)

And I have friends that I meet with once a month and talk about important things or just daily bullshit. And we've consistently been meeting monthly for a long time, years in some cases. Those relationships are special to me and treasured.

So I hesitate to complain. What more do I want? 

I think this can be another lesson for me in false dichotomies. I can be very grateful and happy for the relationships I have AND want something different. I hope that wanting something different doesn't devalue what I've already got. I want to remain grateful for what I have. I want to keep what I already have. I just want to add to it.

I have high deductible friendship plans. I'd also like to have an everyday t-shirt friendship.