My Body and My Buddha Nature
So, we took another class. But it may be my last one ever. 🤣 Probably not, but I'll explain why that's hilarious later.
Here's a link to a description of the course:
It was with the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies.
The description is along the lines of another course I took this year, the one about death and impermanence. Dan was attracted to the Body and Buddha nature class, and it seemed right up my alley as well. I was also intrigued by the length of the class. It took place over the weekend, almost like a retreat at home.
In some ways the class was very different than what I thought it would be. There were two teachers Barry and Max. I thought Barry was very intellectual and Max was more relatable. I never got through all the reading. I may. I probably won't. I was a bit frustrated with the level of intellectual back and forth in the class. And at the same time didn't want some kind of opposite "feel a prayer" kind of thing either. I guess my main thought was "Do we really have to analyze everything to death? Is that what Buddhism is all about?"
I've found American Buddhists to be very intellectual and science-based which is part of it's appeal. I just don't have the energy to debate thoughts and a big part of me thinks it doesn't really matter what any of us think anyway.
Another facet of the class stressed community and interdependence. I liked that. A new thought from this class: without other people I wouldn't be me or said another way my "self" doesn't exist without others. My brain fought against this thought. What about a baby raised by wolves or something? The very fact that my brain bucked against the idea makes me lean toward believing that it's got some truth to it. Without my mother, I wouldn't be here. Without the interactions with her and then other humans in the world I wouldn't have formed into who I am now. People search inside to find themselves, but what if yourself is what you do on the outside and how you interact with the world and others and what if that is formed by how others interact with you? It's something to think about anyway.
Barry also introduced me to the idea of a curative fantasy.
The concept of a curative fantasy includes patient's conscious and unconscious hopes and expectations of what is necessary for their relief of suffering.
We sit in Zen meditation with the idea of just sitting. Just sit. This idea of a curative fantasy suggests that maybe a part of me is hoping for enlightenment as a result of all this sitting. Maybe I'm hoping meditation will save me from being simply human along with all the suffering inherently involved with that existence. I'm honestly not sure how often I fall into this trap. It's something to think about anyway.
My main takeaway from the weekend was this: maybe I need to stop pursuing happiness or betterness or understanding and start just being because being is pretty damn good AND it's as good as it gets because that's all there is. Maybe I can be done. Complete.
I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household. I was raised on the idea of heaven and hell. I think I no longer believe in either. It's a scary thought for me. This life is all we have. I'm coming to acceptance of that. I used to wonder how morality existed in people who weren't scared of going to hell. Now I wonder how morality can exist in people who believe they are going to heaven. It's easier to fuck up this life if you think there is another one coming, right?
The thoughts now in my head: Stop striving. Stop grasping. Stop pursuing. Just be. Just breathe.
And then I think: I have to DO something with my life. I have to make a difference. I am running out of time. I have to figure it out.
And then I remember: Breathe. Be. Live.
That's basically what Zen is, I think.
Comments
Post a Comment