crossing thresholds

Our Grateful Gathering theme for December is Crossing Thresholds. This conversation's introduction contrasts major life changing thresholds like a birth or a death with smaller 'everyday' thresholds. 

"Equally important are the daily and even internal thresholds that present us with important opportunities to consider how we want to be in the world — how we want to spend our energy and time, habits we want to change, ways we seek to grow, and what stories we want to carry forward or relinquish." 

I'm captivated by the "relinquish" bit. I've spent a lot of my life trying to be better. A better person. A better mom. A better wife. Never good enough. I've added habits, goals, activities, books (SO many books!). Then I came to a full stop after an online retreat with Barry Magid and Max Erdstein on the Buddhist teaching that we are all enough, complete, good, perfect, Buddhas, whatever you want to label it- just as we are. No more self-help needed! 

It felt great! No more "born a sinner" of my youth. I am perfect the way I am. To think that things should be other than they are is insanity and causes stress and pain. It was so freeing. 

Now I feel like I've picked up some things along the way that I need to let go of. I've picked up little pebbles and placed them in my knapsack. I am starting to realize that I don't need to carry it all. It's too much. It's too heavy. It's not my burden to suffer. 

And so I'm considering what thoughts, ideas, and beliefs in my life are no longer serving me and what I'm ready to give up, lay down, and walk away from. 

I don't dress girly or grown-up enough.
I'm a nice person.
I respond to people when they message me, and quickly.
I'm reliable. 
I'm generous. 

I want to wring these ideas out of my body. (Hello, spinal twists!)

I'm not always those things. 

Sometimes I wear a fucking dress like a real lady. 
Sometimes I'm a real asshole and say or do hurtful things on purpose.
Sometimes I don't respond quickly or at all. Sometimes I ghost. 
Sometimes I let people down. 
Sometimes I keep the thing for myself. Sometimes I'm selfish.

I'm not a noun so much as a verb.
I'm not static but constantly in flux. 

Credit: SaraMartnezW Wikimedia Commons

This year held some major thresholds that I had no control over. Those thresholds were forced on me. It was like a portal opened up in front of me like a Dr. Strange magic trick and before I had any time to get an idea of what was on the other side, I was pushed right on in. I've had to figure out this new world on my own. People get old and die. Accidents can happen at any moment and shake my belief that life is predictable and safe. Relationships can end. 

Delusion bubbles can pop.

I'm not perfect. My life isn't perfect. Other people have problems like me. Other people have subjectively BIGGER problems than me. I'm not that great. I'm the villain in someone else's story. Everyone is very concerned about their own lives and most people in my life don't have time or energy to think about me. If I want something, I need to ask for it directly.

I'm not exceptional. And neither is anyone else. 

Every day can bring a new threshold. I choose when and how to celebrate threshold rituals. 

When I think about the thresholds before me I feel hopeful and ready for change. I welcome aliveness and I trust in what is emerging. 

Questions worth asking:

How do I want to be in the world?

How do I want to spend my energy and time?

What habits do I want to change?

What ways do I seek to grow?

What stories do I want to carry forward?

What stories do I want to relinquish?