My Thoughts On

My thoughts on friendship are complicated. I've been wanting to write this post for a long time. I only write it now with the disclaimer that everything changes. Everything is impermanent. So, my thoughts now on friendship will not be my thoughts later, and are not the thoughts they used to be.   I lost a few good friends over the last two years. It's hard. It's hard because a part of me thinks that friendship should last forever. BFFs- best friends forever, right? It's hard because it's like a romantic break up where you're just never supposed to talk to that person again. That person was a huge part of your life and you're supposed to continue in the world like they no longer exist. And it's hard because it causes me to think that none of it is worth it.  US-American Society feeds us ideas, every day, from birth till death. Ideas about what our skin color means, how our bodies should look, who we should love, and how much money and things we should ama...

I'm not special. You're not special. None of us are special. How does that make you feel? When I first heard that I wasn't special I was angry and annoyed. How could anyone say that I'm not special? They certainly don't know this, this, and that about me. I'm special! I'm not Jesus special, but I'm special!  If I were to analyze that reaction, I'd say that was my ego or small self rebelling against the truth. The fact is there are almost 8 billion people on the planet and I am only one. One in eight billion. I am not special. No one will remember me when I'm gone, not for long anyway.  Think of a member of your family that died a hundred years ago. How much do you know about them? I'm guessing not much. And you can't be certain the facts you do know about them are really true. A hundred years isn't all that long when you think about how long planet earth has been around. A hundred years to erase a person's memory from the planet. ...

Loving everyone is easy until you get to know them. I have this fun game when we go on bike rides to attempt eye contact with everyone I pass and send them love.  Send them love sounds so mystical.  I think to myself something like "I love you" and smile at them. That's the action. I also notice something I like about them. I like your helmet. I like your shirt. I like your smile. I wish them well. I hope they're happy. I send them good vibes. It's easy and fun to do and it makes me feel good.  It's easy because I know nothing about them. It's easy because we haven't spoken. They haven't told me that they are hoping Trump runs for office again, or that they're glad Roe v Wade was overturned. I don't know they disowned their daughter when she came out, or locked their car doors when a man with dark skin walked past. Even smaller differences like the fact that they root for the Raiders or they don't like Star Wars can cause me to place th...

 Humans have always struck me as funny creatures.  I remember seeing this person standing in front of the elevators at my office. I can't recall now if this was a male or female of our species. What I do remember is they scratched a high point on their belly causing their shirt to go way up exposing a bunch of skin. I thought it was so funny at the time. It was like my own private fart joke. Farts are funny.  I've also been the belly person. Once I was talking to my friend Colynn and she said "Hello, Alice's Belly." I had been absentmindedly scratching myself and had started going to town like I was alone on my couch with a can of cheap beer right there in her cubicle. In my defense, I had gained a LOT of weight and my clothes were probably too tight and therefore itchy.  It's taken me years, decades, to get comfortable being human. Sometimes I scratch an itch. Sometimes I fart. Sometimes blood and tissue comes out of my vagina. Humans are just animals that at...

I had a float today at a new place for me- ThinkOne The Behavior Design Specialists . My friend Faith gave me a Groupon for my birthday back in September. It was one of those things where I kept meaning to schedule it and kept putting it off. Then earlier this week she sent me an email reminder that the Groupon was going to expire. Whoopsie! (I've been watching a lot of Screen Rant Pitch Meetings lately. If you haven't seen them, give them a try. I think they're funny.)  There were a couple of reasons for my procrastination. One, this place seems a little out there. Check out ThinkOne's Website and form your own opinion. Two, there's this Covid thing going around and being in a pod breathing humid air for an hour kinda seemed like risky behavior.  But the risk of losing the whole thing to the expiration date made me finally take action despite my hesitations. Let's go back all the way to the beginning for a moment. I had my first float in 2017. It was a birthd...

  I'm 38 years old and yesterday was my first time giving blood.  I was drawn to the idea for several reasons. My company offers paid time off for volunteer work and I recently discovered that giving blood qualifies. I gave blood at Vitalant , formally Bonfils, and they will check my blood for Covid antibodies and let me know the results which I'm very curious about. And I did it on a day where I was meeting my friend, Faith, and knocking off early and spending more time with her was a big part of the appeal. I signed in and took a seat and was told someone would be with me shortly, and they were. A young lady called my name just a few seconds after I settled my butt cheeks it seemed. Something about the way her voice projected from behind her mask made it a little difficult to actually tell who called me at first, but then we made eye contact.  We spent some time in a small triage type room like you would find in an urgent care facility. She asked some questions, includi...

I’m scared to die. I’m scared to leave you alone in the world.  No, it’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m afraid of how the story will end. Yes, I know the story never ends. I mourn all the things I never told you, the things that were once in my brain and now gone forever, dust on the earth. It seems a shame that all these words and thoughts and ideas in my brain will die with me. It seems a shame that no one will know me like I’ve known me. I admire old people who accept or even welcome death. Maybe that’s the trick. You have to live so long that everyone is taken care of, everything has worked out the way it’s going to continue to, everyone you love is comfortably in their life grooves- ruts- and will continue to pace there, back and forth, and you are ready for death, bored with life. I wish my grandmother had met my second child and my second husband. I will die. Everyone who knows me will die. Everyone who remembers me and everyone who remembers someone who remembers me will d...