My Thoughts On

 I've been thinking about this very literally. And it sounds like an allegory.  There have been multiple times where I've gotten frustrated by my boys wanting to carry it all in one trip. They pile the things on, grip more things between fingers, balance things on their heads, put things in their mouths. "Just come back for the rest!" is met with "No, I've got it!" Nine out of ten times they do not got it. Something falls and fingers crossed it's not breakable.  All that work and stress (for me) and we usually end up with more than one trip anyway! Or I'm trailing behind to pick up the pieces.  Where did they get such an annoying habit? Well, from me of course.  I do this all the time. What could easily be two loads, I make into one not so easy load. The effort it takes to arrange one trip seems worth not making two.  But lately when I find myself thinking this way I've been able to pause and realize it. Then I choose to make multiple trips. ...

Our Grateful Gathering theme for December is Crossing Thresholds . This conversation's introduction contrasts major life changing thresholds like a birth or a death with smaller 'everyday' thresholds.  "Equally important are the daily and even internal thresholds that present us with important opportunities to consider how we want to be in the world — how we want to spend our energy and time, habits we want to change, ways we seek to grow, and what stories we want to carry forward or relinquish."  I'm captivated by the "relinquish" bit. I've spent a lot of my life trying to be better. A better person. A better mom. A better wife. Never good enough. I've added habits, goals, activities, books (SO many books!). Then I came to a full stop after an online retreat with  Barry Magid and Max Erdstein on the Buddhist teaching that we are all enough, complete, good, perfect, Buddhas, whatever you want to label it- just as we are. No more self-help ne...

This year has been one of the worst years of my life, major life-events-wise. And yet here I am. Surviving. Thriving. Surrounded by people who love and support me.  I wrote this with pen and paper in a journal. It wasn't right after the incident. I was on autopilot in those days, a bit out of my mind. But it was closer to the events than now, a year later. It's amazing and a bit scary how much I can forget when my body is in survival mode. 

I'm into birds now. I was catching up with an old friend who asked me how I had gotten into birds. How does something like this happen to a nice gal like you? My response to her was lengthy and thorough. I thought it would make for a good blog post.  So, it all started when I joined a birding walk with Women's Wilderness. Have I told you about WW? Hmm, let's back up a step. So a few years ago I went to an event in Denver called Women Powering Change. I think it was somewhere around 3/8, International Women's Day. It was just one of those things where I thought it looked interesting, had no one to go with (or likely didn't try to find someone to go with), and went to this thing by myself. I felt super awkward when I stepped into the room. There were so many people and this was going to be a lot of socializing (what Dan and I would call "excessive socializing"). I almost turned right around and walked out. But I didn't want the ladies that had just check...

I have a whole slew of posts in my drafts, but I decided to write a fun one. Because I do fun things allll the time. Why aren't I writing more about that? Last night we went to our first sound bath ever. This event was produced by Denver Yoga Social  and it was also our first event with them. They apparently do dozens of events every month. (I have my eye on the one at the Denver Aquarium or Yoga, Sake & Sushi) Last weekend I made a candle over at the Creepatorium . Check out their events. I bet they've got some wacky stuff going on. The candle making was pretty tame, and honestly delightful. We were taught a bit about what the fragrances can invite into our lives as well as the flowers, herbs, and crystals. The invitation was there to infuse some magic into your candle, or you could just make a pretty candle. It was suggested that we save our candle to light with intention the night of the new moon which was last night. And heck yeah, I did.  I've since been fascinat...

 I think American movies really fucked me up.  Sometimes I think I have a warped sense of friendship. I often say I don't have any friends. That's not entirely accurate. Is it? I have a lot of friends. What is it I actually want? This graphic is from Shasta Nelson, founder of Girlfriendcircles.com. The site still exists (just learned that today) but it is a shell of its former self. It used to be a site for women to connect and form friendships with strangers. I met a woman on the site that I was friends with for a few years. We'd regularly meet, once a week, and share what was happening in our lives. When I look at the site now and Shasta's site ShastaNelson.com I just get a bit sad. It was a good idea. It just didn't work. At least not for me.  I created these activity pages  based on the activity in the book We Heal Together by Michelle C Johnson. On page three you can see how I filled out my community web. I was pleasantly surprised at how many groups and peopl...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my roots. And being mixed. And what that means.  I remembered a poem I wrote over ten years ago about being a mixed race, bi-racial person. I hadn't thought of this poem in years. Forgot it existed. I wrote it in a creative writing class at Aurora Community College taught by Wayne Gilbert. Really cool dude. Still out there making poetry. (Search for him on YouTube.) This was my first, and only since, deep dive into poetry and spoken word.   Why are poets so confusing? I wondered. Why can't they just say what they mean in plain language? I've since come to realize that the heart's language is not English nor Spanish nor Japanese nor any other human language we've invented. Our human languages are often no match for the language of our heart. So we try to translate our emotions as best we can using the language we can.  No wonder we so often can't understand each other. I went looking for this poem from years ago. My first...

I want to do the impossible. I want to share how amazing this year has been. I want you to know, really know, how great it was. I wish everyone could experience what I did. And so I'm a bit sad. It was a great year and I'm a bit alone in my ecstasy of it. It's also gone forever and only available in my fallible memory. I wish it could be stored, in detail, somewhere else besides my fickle brain. Also, now the year is over, and I'm left wondering "what's next?" It wasn't just the travel that made this a great year. Although there was a lot of that.  I pre-gamed with Mary in Dillon in mid-September. We traveled internationally for the first time as a family to Cancun, Mexico. It was also my first all inclusive. Dangerous things. I gained at least 10 pounds that week! We visited my friend Kevan in Texas for his fortieth. We visited my brother's family in Arizona. We visited my friend Cindy in...

I'm starting off 2023 with my hardest parts, apparently. My " thoughts on friendship " post in January was a sensitive subject for me to explore. Race is a very raw subject for me right now. It's fitting but not planned that it's February and Black History Month. And so here's my "thoughts on race". With a similar disclaimer to January's post that these are my thoughts now and will be different from my thoughts in the future and are different from my thoughts in the past. Everything is impermanent including me, my body, thoughts and feelings, and experience. I'm bi-racial. I've known this from the time I was born. I remember kids in school asking me, "What are you?" Sometimes I'd feel like being cute and say "I'm human!" or "I'm American!" but that usually didn't fly. "No, no. Are you white or black?" "I'm mixed." I'd say. "Oh! Right." they'd say. It w...

My thoughts on friendship are complicated. I've been wanting to write this post for a long time. I only write it now with the disclaimer that everything changes. Everything is impermanent. So, my thoughts now on friendship will not be my thoughts later, and are not the thoughts they used to be.   I lost a few good friends over the last two years. It's hard. It's hard because a part of me thinks that friendship should last forever. BFFs- best friends forever, right? It's hard because it's like a romantic break up where you're just never supposed to talk to that person again. That person was a huge part of your life and you're supposed to continue in the world like they no longer exist. And it's hard because it causes me to think that none of it is worth it.  US-American Society feeds us ideas, every day, from birth till death. Ideas about what our skin color means, how our bodies should look, who we should love, and how much money and things we should ama...

I'm not special. You're not special. None of us are special. How does that make you feel? When I first heard that I wasn't special I was angry and annoyed. How could anyone say that I'm not special? They certainly don't know this, this, and that about me. I'm special! I'm not Jesus special, but I'm special!  If I were to analyze that reaction, I'd say that was my ego or small self rebelling against the truth. The fact is there are almost 8 billion people on the planet and I am only one. One in eight billion. I am not special. No one will remember me when I'm gone, not for long anyway.  Think of a member of your family that died a hundred years ago. How much do you know about them? I'm guessing not much. And you can't be certain the facts you do know about them are really true. A hundred years isn't all that long when you think about how long planet earth has been around. A hundred years to erase a person's memory from the planet. ...

Loving everyone is easy until you get to know them. I have this fun game when we go on bike rides to attempt eye contact with everyone I pass and send them love.  Send them love sounds so mystical.  I think to myself something like "I love you" and smile at them. That's the action. I also notice something I like about them. I like your helmet. I like your shirt. I like your smile. I wish them well. I hope they're happy. I send them good vibes. It's easy and fun to do and it makes me feel good.  It's easy because I know nothing about them. It's easy because we haven't spoken. They haven't told me that they are hoping Trump runs for office again, or that they're glad Roe v Wade was overturned. I don't know they disowned their daughter when she came out, or locked their car doors when a man with dark skin walked past. Even smaller differences like the fact that they root for the Raiders or they don't like Star Wars can cause me to place th...

 Humans have always struck me as funny creatures.  I remember seeing this person standing in front of the elevators at my office. I can't recall now if this was a male or female of our species. What I do remember is they scratched a high point on their belly causing their shirt to go way up exposing a bunch of skin. I thought it was so funny at the time. It was like my own private fart joke. Farts are funny.  I've also been the belly person. Once I was talking to my friend Colynn and she said "Hello, Alice's Belly." I had been absentmindedly scratching myself and had started going to town like I was alone on my couch with a can of cheap beer right there in her cubicle. In my defense, I had gained a LOT of weight and my clothes were probably too tight and therefore itchy.  It's taken me years, decades, to get comfortable being human. Sometimes I scratch an itch. Sometimes I fart. Sometimes blood and tissue comes out of my vagina. Humans are just animals that at...

I had a float today at a new place for me- ThinkOne The Behavior Design Specialists . My friend Faith gave me a Groupon for my birthday back in September. It was one of those things where I kept meaning to schedule it and kept putting it off. Then earlier this week she sent me an email reminder that the Groupon was going to expire. Whoopsie! (I've been watching a lot of Screen Rant Pitch Meetings lately. If you haven't seen them, give them a try. I think they're funny.)  There were a couple of reasons for my procrastination. One, this place seems a little out there. Check out ThinkOne's Website and form your own opinion. Two, there's this Covid thing going around and being in a pod breathing humid air for an hour kinda seemed like risky behavior.  But the risk of losing the whole thing to the expiration date made me finally take action despite my hesitations. Let's go back all the way to the beginning for a moment. I had my first float in 2017. It was a birthd...

  I'm 38 years old and yesterday was my first time giving blood.  I was drawn to the idea for several reasons. My company offers paid time off for volunteer work and I recently discovered that giving blood qualifies. I gave blood at Vitalant , formally Bonfils, and they will check my blood for Covid antibodies and let me know the results which I'm very curious about. And I did it on a day where I was meeting my friend, Faith, and knocking off early and spending more time with her was a big part of the appeal. I signed in and took a seat and was told someone would be with me shortly, and they were. A young lady called my name just a few seconds after I settled my butt cheeks it seemed. Something about the way her voice projected from behind her mask made it a little difficult to actually tell who called me at first, but then we made eye contact.  We spent some time in a small triage type room like you would find in an urgent care facility. She asked some questions, includi...

I’m scared to die. I’m scared to leave you alone in the world.  No, it’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m afraid of how the story will end. Yes, I know the story never ends. I mourn all the things I never told you, the things that were once in my brain and now gone forever, dust on the earth. It seems a shame that all these words and thoughts and ideas in my brain will die with me. It seems a shame that no one will know me like I’ve known me. I admire old people who accept or even welcome death. Maybe that’s the trick. You have to live so long that everyone is taken care of, everything has worked out the way it’s going to continue to, everyone you love is comfortably in their life grooves- ruts- and will continue to pace there, back and forth, and you are ready for death, bored with life. I wish my grandmother had met my second child and my second husband. I will die. Everyone who knows me will die. Everyone who remembers me and everyone who remembers someone who remembers me will d...

Earlier this year a girlfriend showed up at book club with noticeably less energy than she usually exuded and a slight hoarseness in her voice. At some point I screwed up the initiative to ask what was going on. Covid was still lurking. "You got the Covid?"  It turns out she was on day 4 or 5 of a five day fast, water only. I was intrigued. I decided to try it.  What I remember about my first 5 day fast was that I had a killer headache and body aches until about day 4 when I had a good poop. After that it was cake. That's what I remember anyway.  I'm doing another 5 day fast and decided to take some notes this time since my memory is shit.  So, day one was easy. After that first 5 day fast I started fasting every Saturday. And I started this fast on Saturday so it was like a normal start to the weekend for the most part. There was the small nagging thought in the back of my mind that this was just the beginning and I had a long way to go. That mad...